To my babies –
This is the first time I am leaving you both and leaving you to work. I know you do not fully understand this now, so this is all the things I wish I could tell you:
I love you, more than I ever imagined loving someone, more than I could put into words.
I hope you will know that me leaving you to work, to build a career does not mean I do not love you any less or wanted to miss any time with you.
I want to work, I want to finish my PhD and I want to spend time with you – I want both and I know that in order to do so, I have to make sacrifices with both. Please do not think any less of me for this, please.
I am actually a better mother when I do work, when I learn new things, take on new challenges.
I am a better mother when there are sometimes I get the toilet to myself, finish a cup of coffee in one go and get to wear nice clothes that do not have poo, wee, milk, vomit and anything else on them.
But this does not mean I mind any of that, I really do not.
I would do anything for you, be anything, give anything,
Did I tell you that I love you more than my heart could stretch?
I do work to be able to provide for you, to buy you nice clothes, to pay for swimming lessons and put good food on the table. I like being able to contribute to the family financially, it is something that makes me happy and fulfilled.
I do work because I enjoy working, I love my business, my study, my job. I get so much joy from helping other people. But this does not mean I do not enjoy time with you – I do I really really do. I do not think with all my writing ability I could accurately describe what it is like to just be with you and watch all the cute, quirky, intelligent, strong, amazing things you do.
I want to show you and teach you a good work ethic, to overcome challenges, to be what-ever you want to be and never let anyone tell you otherwise.
I hope, desperately hope, that one day you will know this and understand this,
I don’t think I told you that I love you,
I am going to miss giving you both a bath, read you stories, tuck you in at night and kiss your beautiful foreheads.
I am also secretly going to enjoy my first full nights sleep in a very very long time (one day you will understand this!),
I know I will still wake up at 5am and miss you both so terribly I will need to flick open my phone and watch videos of you both before I even get out of bed.
I haven’t told you that I love you enough, love you so much it hurts. I need to go now, before I lose the courage and the heart to leave,
Love you, love you, love you,