You Were Not Meant To Be

As many of you know, we are trying for a third baby. We have been for some time. As expected, it’s been a process fraught with a lot of emotional turmoil.

Initially a lot of this turmoil came from trying to figure out when. Our youngest son is now four. We never planned on having a big gap but I have had a few things on my plate (just a few) and a tight book publishing schedule for what will be my third year now.

Working with a publishing company means that this schedule is unforgiving. It does have its advantages of providing a structure but to say it is not baby-friendly would be an understatement. This is aside from all other issues I have had with the company.

Last year when we finally ‘worked out’ our ‘perfect time’ for our third bundle to arrive in the world it left us two months in which to conceive. Totally do-able right? And this would most likely require fertility treatment as well which is what we went through with Sahan due to a severe case of polycystic ovary syndrome. We debated about putting it off as I did not feel ready to go through fertility treatment (physically) and the cost was also too high at that time. However, I had been having regular periods for over a year so we thought we would try and see what happens....in this two month 'window'. While I was nonchalant on the outside – inside I was just secretly hopping it would just happen. The stars all magically just line up.

Needless to say it didn’t happen though I still put myself through 8 weeks of torture in the process – hope, anxiousness, dismay all on repeat through my cycle.

Then things came to a nasty head with my publishing company. I will reveal this in due course but it was crushing and baby number three planning just had to stop. I could not deal with a double hit in terms of an emotional roller coaster….I needed to focus on my own wellbeing, pick myself up from the crumbled heap I found myself in and also focus on my boys, getting through the summer and school holidays.

So we were ‘not-trying’ but also ‘not, not-trying’.

Of course with the magic of summer, a breather from usual demands…..

It was February and my period was late.

It was three days late.

Then five.

Then eight.

I was exhausted and slightly nauseous.

I was so hopeful.

And then, just as I was allowing myself to embrace the hope…..I lost it.

It took five days, three trips to the emergency room….two were driving there and just coming home due to a 4 hour wait at 9pm.

And then it was gone.

I didn’t really know how to process it. Not a true miscarriage or was it? I knew in my gut that the pregnancy just didn’t hold. It was there but my body could not hold it.

While this is to be expected, nor is my first loss, I cried my heart out.

It was also right in the final two weeks of finalising things with our publisher.

So I blamed myself mercifully.

It was my fault that my body could not hold this pregnancy.

It was all the stress of my work.

My guilt was so great I did not even know how to share this.

Today we went and saw our fertility specialist. Another roller coaster of a day but for the first time in over a month, I felt closure.

She assured me that it was most unlikely that this happened due to stress. She also assured me that I was doing everything I could to help this process that it’s just this unlucky hormonal condition that is ultimately at the root of this.

You were just not meant to be.

It was just not your time yet.

The good news is we can start the first stage of fertility treatment. This is called assisted reproductive therapy. What I was really worried about was that things might be a lot worse than where I was four years ago while trying to get pregnant a second time. I am now 34 and when first pregnant I was 27. We have decided to wait two weeks, just to re-group. Have the chapter with my (now old) publisher fully 100% closed. Then then go back and embark on this crazy hormone journey.

While it still hurts and I still grieve for how hard this process is, I am ok that this was just not our time. I am doing my best to focus on what my specialist said today that this is actually a good sign. Having her support really helps. Even if ultimately there are no guarantees at least I feel I am not alone. It is so ironic that the same advice I give to so many others is also just want I need right now - support, a plan and being really kind to myself. This also includes speaking very kind to myself and my body. It is much easier giving such advice than needing to implement myself.

After such a big day I am looking forward to spending the weekend with my boys, my furbaby (how do they just always know) with some sunshine and a bit of our great outdoors....basically soul medicine before what will be the next stage of this journey.

xxx Dr Julie Bhosale

P.S If you have gone through or are going through a miscarriage you may also find some solace in an earlier blog I wrote when I went through this before conceiving Sahan.