Pregnancy Journal Week 7 (4.6.14)
This week has pushed my family and I in unexpected ways. I have really struggled with morning sickness – which unlike the name suggests has really been morning, afternoon and evening sickness. This morning I had to go and teach for four hours. I was already feeling apprehensive about this as the most I have managed the last two mornings has been a shower and to lie on the bathroom floor. I tried to make an omelette in order to fill me up but the smell made me want to hurl so that was a no go, toast it was again. I still cannot stomach the thought of coffee, so my one fix of the day has truly gone out the window. The fatigue is just incredible I wish I could describe it better as ‘tired’ does not even remotely sum it up. After teaching for four hours I had to come home and sleep I was so exhausted – like bone aching exhaustion. I slept for two hours and then tried to work again from home.
It has been like this all week. I have to listen to by body as I need to do EVERYTHING I can to hold this pregnancy and yet (for me) it is also one of the hardest things – not being able to do what I set out to or planned to. I struggled this most when our son was first born. I felt like my once powerful, productive life was reduced to feeding, sleeping and maybe having a shower. I am struggling with the same right now. I used to be able to work and be a mum basically from 5am-11pm. Now, I can hardly work for more than 3-4 hours without needing to sleep. Not to mention I struggle to look after our son properly – my husband is really picking up the slack here. The last two nights I did not even hear him wake up in the middle of the night. I normally have super sonic hearing and can hear him cry over anything before my husband does. Tonight, I had to lie down on the couch and wait for the nausea to pass while my husband played with him. It broke my heart and yet I also felt powerless to fight it. I did fight it though, I gathered all my strength just to give him and bath, read a story and tuck him into bed before collapsing again. I know logically this will pass and it will not always be this bad but I cannot help but worry….maybe I do have to cut down my work permanently… maybe I cannot pull the extra hours to launch my new business programme…..maybe I will not keep this pregnancy and it will all be in vain? That thought I try and quickly shut out. The fear and anxiety of this consumes me almost every second of everyday. I am lucky in some respects I am so busy I can distract myself from such thoughts….but they creep in…especially at night time.
Sometimes I share with my husband my fears and worries and he reassures me that everything will be ok – to which I snap “and how do you know that? It was not ok last time! I don’t know if I can go through that again (that meaning another miscarriage). How do you actually know it will be ok this time?” It is stupid and pointless, fueled by fatigue and hormones which would make me irrational at the best of times…. What choice does my husband have? No doubt he is just as worried as I am and yet he can’t indulge in those worries. All we can do is wait…wait and hope.
We are counting down until Monday now, our first scan. I have a blood test again Friday to check hormone levels which should help provide some peace of mind before the weekend. Here is hoping I can be somewhat productive tomorrow morning and do some work on my article before I face my PhD supervisor on Monday…provided I am not lying on the bathroom floor.