This will highly likely be my last blog before I become a mum again. I will be completely honest I did not think I would get this far. I am now 39 weeks and 2 days pregnant. This is a common theme among most of my pregnancy blogs as you will have no doubt picked up! This blog follows on from the one I wrote nearly two weeks ago (read here). I am a qualified health professional but I am first and foremost a mum. I hope that in sharing my thoughts and emotions with you, it may help another pregnant mum out there who like me, is worried, anxious and excited all in one.
To look back and think for the last 9 weeks I have battled with pelvic arthropathy which has been very sever in the last few weeks….how can I explain the marathon I feel like I have been running day in and day out. Pelvic pain has just become part of every day life for me, I almost cannot imagine what it will feel like to not have it. As much as we have tried to keep focused on enjoying the small things it has often been a matter of one day at a time, counting down until when I would be induced.
And then the finish line was taken away from us. I was due to be induced last weekend and at the very last minute the obstetrician at the hospital changed her mind and decided I should not be induced until I was basically full term. To make matters worse, we were never consulted. My own midwife was still away so I was working in a system with two stand in midwives, one whom I had never meet only spoken to on the phone and with very limited communication. I was devastated (lots of water leaking from the eyes) – where was the finish line now? 40 weeks? 42 weeks? How could we possibly keep managing along?
In hindsight it was not the end of the world, we still have a healthy baby content inside me which is THE most important. Emotionally and mentally, however we had been working towards something and then, as is so common with parenthood, that finish line just stretched out before us and we just had no idea of the end date or what new plan was. We also had missed our close friend’s wedding which just added to my roller coaster of emotions. It was the not knowing that I found really hard. I just kept trying to reassure myself to trust in my body, that it would do the right thing, focus on work and this time as a bonus to sort things I had not sorted. Easier said than done!!
On Monday I managed to convince myself that Little Bean’s movements had reduced. In my haze of emotions I did not trust myself to know if this was true or not. I also realised that I did not have any clinic appointments with a midwife as I was meant to have been induced. More phone calls to both midwives (I did not even know exactly who I was meant to be calling). No new induction plan yet but did get Little Bean checked out and all was ok – that very reassuring sound of a heart beat.
Late Wednesday I got a call saying my actual midwife (while still away) had managed to get an induction appointment for Saturday at 7.30am and do I want to go ahead with this? Brain in overdrive again – I said yes – thinking I could always change my mind after. Slowly this started sinking in. Saturday (tomorrow) is the 17th of Jan, I am full term (40 weeks) on the 21st of Jan. My choice was do I go ahead with this or do I keep waiting until Little Bean decides they are ready? I would like to wait, I really would, however pain and mobility wise things just get worse by the day. My own midwife will be there and we can also plan care for our son in advance so we are going ahead with this. I feel now more confident that Little Bean will be ready, more than ready being so close to term. Am I scared? Absolutely. Am I excited? Absolutely. Am I ready – no way!! But I will never be ready.
I miss my son something chronic. It really is all the little things – watching him splash in the bath with all his lions and tigers (then drying them all before he gets out of the bath) reading him stories on my lap (I read to him sitting on a chair outside his cot as I cannot lift him in and out). Giving him a massive hug in the morning and opening the curtains together with him on my hip. Ironically, often these are the things that I crave a break from (the morning and evening routine) and now I have been forced to step down from such duties I feel like something is missing in my day. These feelings alone are also enough reason for me to put aside my ‘ideal’ birth and embrace the options we have available today which many years ago women did not have. It is still my aim to have a natural, drug free birth as I did with him. I have faith in myself that this I can do this, despite the daily pain I have been in. In saying that, what is most important to me is that this baby arrives safely into this world and if this means that the birth is a little different to how I would like I am ok with this.
I will be using all my resources today and tomorrow to remain as relaxed and calm as possible…and will see you all on the ‘other side’ where a whole new journey awaits.
Xxx Dr Julie Bhosale