October 22nd 2012 at 9.32am I became a mother. A moment in time I will never ever forget and to be honest, life before that just seems insignificant. With Mother’s Day on Sunday I thought I would share two personal diary entries that for me, with my son at 18 months, portrays the roller coaster ride of being a mum – the incredible joy and the moments where you are pushed beyond all limits you thought you had….come have a laugh and a cry with me…
Bottom of the Roller Coaster (Feb 3rd 2014)
Why is it always in the biggest weeks, on the most important days your child gets sick? It is never the quiet days – or is it just that every day is a big day? I smelt the vomit in Arjun’s room before I even saw it this morning and my guilt meter rocketed over 1000 as I thought I heard him coughing in the middle of the night but he went back to sleep so I did not check on him – terrible irresponsible mother – the what ifs spiralling around me. I grabbed my wee boy and he started dry reaching over my shoulder – vomit all through my hair and I had barely opened my eyes. Actually I tell a lie, I had been up since 5am getting some work done so I had already a coffee, this is just as well I couldn’t imagine functioning with all of that without caffeine in my system. I got Arjun changed, clean and resting in my arms. This was when I started to panic and, being very honest, I got bitterly disappointed at needing to cancel everything today and tomorrow – aside from work this also included my gym session (I only make it once a week at most), my first coffee group appearance and visiting a friend whose child is 6 months old and I have not yet managed to get to see her…then I felt guilty for thinking all of this as my baby is sick and I want to be here with him and I just want to whisk away his bad tummy…poor thing can’t even properly tell me. Slight fear also kicks in here – what if something is really wrong? Do I need to take him to the doctor? The hospital? I should have checked on him at night more. Sigh… the never ending cycle of a mother’s guilt. I had no idea how to get through the next hour let alone the rest of the day – and I still had vomit in my hair…
Hubby had said he would be up at 6am to help me somehow he slept through all this (in his defense he had been working till 3am on a late shift) so I had a go at him the second he gets up – this meant he got a vomiting child and angry wife ranting in her pajamas with vomit in her hair as soon as he’s awake on three hours sleep – wonder what went through his head? Now I feel guilty for that too. Where is the bloody parenting manual? He took Arjun so I could have a shower – it’s my one saviour, took deep breaths, washed my hair reminded myself I’m a big girl and somehow can handle this. Water is leaking from my eyes but in the shower that can be hidden well. I cancelled all things today and tomorrow…I really hate those phone calls to work…I did think I could get away with one meeting this morning while Arjun slept. Somehow I managed to get us all out for a ‘walk’ (a.k.a stumble) around the park. No mean feat on the best of days.What is it about fresh air? I finally got Arjun back to sleep, told husband to go back to sleep and raced off to my meeting where I had a blissful coffee and felt like maybe I can just do all this. When I come home everyone is still asleep. I did grab some lunch while I had 5minutes to myself and get onto work while there was still time. Right now I am wondering if I can squeeze in some sleep myself…nope too much work today and Arjun will wake soon and it will be all hands on deck to get through till bed time again….if he actually sleeps tonight….hope and pray that is all you can do some days.
Top of the Roller Coaster (one week later)
I have had one of those days where there was nothing but joy of being a mum and hanging with my favourite little monkey. We went for a walk with good friend at 7.30am. Both of us are normally up at 6am so why not! This is a regular thing for us, we meet at the beach where we walk with our bubs and dogs and then have a coffee – BEST way to start a day! Back at home I realise that Arjun has finally discovered his limitations and boundaries on the ledges outside. This meant I could actually put on a load of washing without watching his every move! I managed to get some PhD work done when Arjun slept. I normally try and not work on the weekends but it almost never happens as there is just not enough hours in a day. Then, despite my thoughts it was a lot of work on my own (husband working late shift) we went to the Takapuna beach festival with a mummy friend. And it was awesome! My son was so fun at the beach he’s understanding directions much better and we had a massive play in the shallows and he came in the water with me and was happy for the longest time yet! He found ‘bubbles’ and leaves to grab at and we went under a few times, him clinging to me for dear life – and I loved every minute of that, being his one and only, more cuddles on the beach followed. One day he will be too big to take into the water like that, not want to show me all his ‘treasures’ that he finds and definitely be too big for cuddles but for now I will treasure it all! I have now spent all evening working on business concept and recipes. Better go sort the house and crash as I need to get up at 5am to smash some PhD writing out. I am secretly hoping Arjun wakes for a bottle soon, I would like more cuddles….
I am still very much a newbie in the journey of motherhood – in the coming weeks and months I will share more of this with you and we can continue to share a laugh or two and shed a tear (or a few) together.
To all you beautiful amazing mothers who sacrifice everything for your children and love them beyond description quite simply you are incredible – Mother’s Day is your day and you deserve every second of it xxx